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polar bear on ice
Photo: Ansgar Walk
Warm regards
Concerned about climate change, renowned correspondent All Humankind fires off a letter to God suggesting some helpful ways he could improve the situation. Nanoseconds later comes the reply.

Dear Almighty God

In your infinite omnipotency, omnipresence and omniscience, etc, we thought we'd write and give you some helpful ideas for the future of our planet. In particular, you will know we have a few problems over climate change. Please accept these suggestions in a spirit of constructive criticism.

Things are getting a bit drastic down here regarding global warming. We've tried getting people to live less selfishly. We've tried getting the nations to agree together on radical action. We're getting nowhere fast. So now we need some dramatic, Old Testament-style action from you.

You could start by changing the vibrational energy frequencies of carbon dioxide just a little. Either way would work. And, with Jimmy Savile up there now, how's about you getting it together and fixing it so CO2 isn't acidic when it dissolves in water? You made the molecule, tweaking its properties a little cannot be arduous! Of course, thinking about it, you can't do it in the factory as it might then be too cold for life to have evolved on earth at all so it would have to be a post-industrial retrofit.

But you are the God of the impossible! See what you can do and get back to us.

Here's another option. You've got some seriously decent party pieces: parting the Red Sea, sending down fire on Mount Carmel, calming the storm on Galilee. How about an encore or two, such as sucking back underground all the carbon we've released into the atmosphere? Forests did it over the course of 100 million years. It only took us 100 years to release it. From what scientists down here are saying it looks like we've got about 10 years to find a solution. Bearing in mind that the Bible says one day to you is "like unto 1,000 years", by our reckoning you could sort it out in about 24 minutes.

Please don't leave this letter lying around in your in-tray. There's going to be a disaster of biblical proportions if you do. And don't get distracted by all those people going on about gay marriage. There's not going to be much eating and drinking, marrying and being given in marriage when melted water from the icecaps starts seeping under our front doors, into our living rooms and up our stairs.

We remain your obedient servants

All Humankind

Dear All Humankind

How nice to hear from you after such a long time! I have some nostalgic pictures of you on the wall, but you must have changed somewhat since you last called on my name in frantic desperation. Do give my regards to all the other creatures I made. They seemed quite content with things until you started getting more and more (how can I put it tactfully?) clever.

Well now, you're worried about rising sea levels and mass extinctions. I've seen it all before – though I declared I wouldn't do it again. "As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease," I said.

Yes, a rather good soundbite, if I may say so. I didn't know (well, I did, but that's for another discussion) some American senator would quote it years later to prove that man-made climate change doesn't exist. That isn't actually what I meant, but that kind of shallow thinking hasn't stopped thousands of your fellow men doing some appalling things in my name over the centuries. But I digress...

As you know, I don't need to tap the odd phone illegally to hear everything. I swear by myself I heard Sen. James Inhofe say: "God's still up there. The arrogance of people to think that we, human beings, would be able to change what He is doing in the climate is to me outrageous."

Of course I'm still there, although I don't quite know what he means by "up". And of course you lot do insist on changing things. Blame me, by all means, for giving you free will. But don't blame me if you use it to melt the ice caps, turn the oceans to acid and bring about an inexorable rise in sea levels.

Yes, there are a few tricks I might perform, if so inclined. I could change the nature of carbon dioxide. I could suck your carbon emissions back underground. Or I could just ask you to do something about it. I made you in my image and I gave you creativity. Holding up both Almighty hands, perhaps that was my biggest mistake, but we exist eternally and learn. What I am saying is, having set things up as I have, it's up to you to change things again. That's not "playing God" like the climate deniers say. That's doing something simple that seems to irk a whole bunch of you. My will.

One nutty brigade have done a Noah (he sends his greetings by the way) and made a start. In fact, Noah's just reminded me – though he built the Ark, I gave him the idea.

You're not going to be on your own.

Best regards

Almighty God

Debate the issues raised above in our discussion thread.


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