6. Pulpit Gaffe of the Year

Winner: 'I wish I could sing...'

The incident happened at a large Baptist Church in Athens, Georgia. A lady named Andrea Screws sang a solo one night in church. She didn't sing in the choir regularly, so no one really knew she could sing so well. When she finished her solo, Stewart, the pastor, who was as strait-laced as they come, got up, took a deep breath and said: 'Ohhhh, I wish I could sing as well as Andrea Screws.'

Runners-up

• From an 'anonymous evangelical', London – I heard Prebendary Dick Lucas of St Helen's Bishopsgate say the following at a conference: 'Sometimes when I've stood in this pulpit, when I've been praying to myself as the hymn is being sung before the sermon, I've said, 'Lord, you've got a dead Dick on your hands this morning, please revive me...' Received 22% of the vote.

• From a North Wales shipmate – In Aberystwyth Rectory, a couple of years ago, a chap from a missionary organisation was speaking to a group of students. As he was finishing, he became very excited and announced: 'I believe Jesus is coming again. And I believe he's coming soon.' Immediately, the door bell rang. The assembled throng collapsed in laughter. Received 22% of the vote.

• Nominated by two Australian shipmates – is this story about the Easter Bilby (the Oz version of the Easter Bunny). A priest in our diocese was nervous preaching at his first Palm Sunday service in his new Parish. The small country church was packed. He stood in the pulpit and said: 'You know, Easter is more than eggs and chickens and chocolate dildos.' Of course he had meant to say chocolate bilbies... When the story was relayed to the bishop, he replied: 'What's a dildo?' Received 20% of the vote.

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