9. This Year's Must-Have Gadget for God

Winner: Jesus the Hot Air Balloon

What do you give to the church pastor who has everything, while at the same time impressing him or her with your theological know-how? The answer is a Gadget for God. Ship of Fools has been collecting them all year, and now this award honours the very best of religious kitsch worldwide. The winner for 1999, with 33% of the vote, is Jesus the Hot Air Balloon.

He's 110 feet tall and has hands 20 feet long. He weighs over 750lbs and is filled with 258,000 cubic feet of air. It took 13 weeks to sew him together. And he's quite simply the biggest Gadget for God we've ever seen. Jesus the Hot Air Balloon is based in Tracy, California, and is the latest evangelistic balloon project of The Merritt Ministry. The balloon, which bears the slogan 'King of kings, Lord of Lords' across the back of Jesus's robe, is currently touring the United States.

If you want to rise skyward with Jesus, you can beat the rapture rush at River Oak Grace Community Church, Oakdale, California, on Easter Sunday.

Runners-up

Holy Odor Eater Insoles

These unique insoles, which 'fit comfortably in all footwear', contain holy soil from Jerusalem in the bottom layer. Meanwhile, the middle layer absorbs perspiration, while the top layer is perforated to let your feet breathe. Expect miraculous cures for corns and bunions, an immediate cure for malodorous foot conditions – and an anonymous note from Hamas claiming full settlement rights over your size 9s. The insoles received 29% of the vote.

TV Tombstone

This granite memorial has a special addition. Inset into the polished stone is a small computer screen and next to it, a discreet keypad. Family members can scroll through pages of text, with diaries, letters and other keepsakes, photographs, family trees and all the other things you'd just love to browse through while sitting on your loved-one's grave. Only $4996 – batteries included. Received 22% of the vote.

Alarm in a Crucifix

A Godsend for the panicking priest. Two out of three ministers in the UK would consider wearing it, according to a recent survey on clergy and violence. The crime-busting crucifix is available only from Avon Silversmiths of Birmingham, England. Avon's Tony McCarthy created the device after hearing of a nun being mugged in Bromsgrove. 'I only wish I'd thought of it earlier,' he told Ship of Fools. Screeching distance: 150 metres. Cost: £169. Received 16% of the vote.

© Ship of Fools 1999