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The church: The Anglican Cathedral, Liverpool.
Denomination: Church of England.
The building: Designed by Gilbert Scott, this massive cathedral's foundation stone was laid in 1904, and the building work was completed only in 1983. The proportions are impressive, even though the cathedral is not a thing of beauty: it is 636ft long and the central tower, standing at 347ft, houses the heaviest peal of bells anywhere in the world. Liverpool is sometimes called 'the last of the Gothic Cathedrals'.
The neighbourhood: Liverpool city centre.
The cast: The new Bishop, Rt Rev James Jones.
Enthronement of the Seventh Bishop of Liverpool, Rt Rev James (not Jim) Jones.
How full was the building?
A ticket-only bash with more than 2,000 people shoe-horned into one of the biggest cathedrals on earth. The Bishop of Liverpool is, arguably, the third most important Anglican Bishop in England. Tickets were like gold-dust, though I didn't spot any touts outside.
Did anyone welcome you personally?
No handshake. This was more like a gig than a service. Understandably, the steward was more interested in whether I had a ticket or not.
Was your pew comfortable?
The chair was utilitarian, plastic, stackable – unlikely to be shipped out to the US of A in 50 years' time for purchase by collectors (unlike Westminster Abbey). I abandoned it for the only available loo and found a queue of 30 cross-legged women outside. Thinking I could go straight into the men's, I was told, in no uncertain terms, that the ladies were using the men's as well and that I had to wait my turn...
How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
Optimistic. For fully 30 minutes, and to various organ solos, a series of processions passed by that included area deans, readers, accredited lay ministers, lords and lady mayoresses, representatives of the armed forces, the Honourable Mr Justice Morland, the Honourable Mr Justice Forbes, Her Majesty's Lord-Lieutenant for Merseyside, the Bishop of Akure, Nigeria, the Cathedral Chaplains, the Bishop's wife and three daughters, the Treasurer, Chancellor, Precentor, Lord Runcie, Lord Habgood, HRH the Duchess of Kent – I could go on for ever, but you are online and paying for this.
What were the exact opening words of the service?
After the interminable procession of digs 'n' wigs came the most moving moment of the whole service. A fanfare announced the arrival of the Bishop, who, dressed in simple white surplice, stood alone outside the cathedral. He knocked three times on the West Door with a mallet used in the cathedral's construction. The door opened and a 12-year-old girl with a strong, clear northern accent greeted the Bishop with these, the first words of the service: 'Bishop James, remember what Jesus said: "Truly, I tell you whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."'
What books did the congregation use during the service?
A beautifully-designed booklet, printed in full colour especially for the occasion.
What musical instruments were played?
A thunderous organ was the central feature, though a worship group, Wellspring, led a more contemporary section of the service with violin and guitar, providing a good balance.
Did anything distract you?
Four distracting, random questions crossed my mind. Why had I been the only man queueing for the loo? Had I been born with a weaker, female bladder? How many of those in the huge congregation had accessed Ship of Fools? And that name – Rev 'Jim' Jones... Will Liverpool now be known as Jonestown II?
Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or
what?
Committed but reserved. This was pomp and circumstance as well as praise and worship.
Exactly how long was the sermon?
35 minutes.
On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
8. Clear and accessible if lacking a little in light and shade – due, possibly, to the sheer formality of the event. Well delivered on a difficult, tense occasion.
In a nutshell, what was the sermon
about?
The new Bishop's commitment to the future of the family unit and young people, in particular.
Which part of the service was like being in
heaven?
The first words of the service.
And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
Waiting outside the men's with an aching sphincter muscle.
What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
I was with a 25-strong party from a town hundreds of miles from Liverpool, and so it was impossible to hang around looking lost.
How would you describe the after-service
coffee?
No after-service coffee was available. Just as well. The pre-service coffee had caused enough problems...
How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
2. Liverpool Cathedral is much too big to be a local church. It's a place for being overwhelmed by the transcendence of God. It reminded me of Wembley Stadium: witnessing your team stride onto the sacred turf once in a while is great, but there's nothing like seeing them turn out at home every other week – hot dogs frying, urinals steaming, cigarette smoke pouring out from under decrepit, corrugated-iron roofs.
Did the service make you feel glad to be a
Christian?
Yes. To be plugged into something bigger than a depressingly small local congregation made me glad to be part of the greater community of faith.
What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
'Bishop James, remember what Jesus said: "Truly, I tell you whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."'
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